Feeling & Flowing Freely

Craving for Sensations Understanding the Patterns We Carry and Learning to Choose Differently           As I often like to start, let me begin with a question: What happens when a child experiences sensations they aren't developmentally equipped to understand?                  It's confusing. It's overwhelming. I know because I lived it.                  As a child, I was sexually molested by my father, who told me our “naked cuddles” were normal expressions of love and affection. The manipulation and grooming gave me “permission” to “enjoy” these sensations. I didn't understand what was happening to me or how those experiences would shape my understanding of sexuality, intimacy, and my own body.                  I was a child trying to make sense of something I was never supposed to have to understand.          When the Imprint Follows Us Into Adulthood         Growing older didn't automatically undo what I had learned. I carried those early messages into adulthood without recognizing how deeply they influenced my relationship with sensation.                  I began exhibiting hypersexual tendencies, seeking attention, validation, and instant gratification through sexual experiences. I maintained simultaneous relationships without the people involved knowing about one another. I could be deceptive, manipulative, and coercive in pursuit of what I wanted.         At the time, I thought I was reclaiming my power. I could make my own choices and decide who had access to me, but I hadn't recognized when my need for attention and validation was influencing those choices.         I thought I was taking my power back. I hadn't yet recognized the ways I was giving it away. When Instant Gratification Backfires         Somewhere along the way, being desired became evidence of being valuable. Attention made me feel wanted and important, but the feeling didn't last. I kept returning to behaviors that offered temporary validation, hoping the next experience would satisfy something I couldn't quite name.         I would recognize that something didn't feel right for me and do it anyway. I could disregard my own boundaries in pursuit of an immediate reward, only to be left with the discomfort of knowing I had acted against myself. My choices could hurt other people, too.         What I thought was empowerment was sometimes another form of self-betrayal. The Burden of Guilt and Shame         Eventually, I began seeing the consequences of my behavior more clearly. I struggled with the labels society attaches to promiscuity and hypersexuality, wondering what was wrong with me and why I kept repeating patterns I didn't fully understand.         I felt guilt about the harm I caused and shame about the person I believed those behaviors made me. I could recognize that my actions were harmful, but I didn't know how to examine them without making my entire identity the problem. I kept turning the consequences of my choices into evidence that something was fundamentally wrong with me.         Shame kept me focused on condemning myself instead of understanding what needed to change.         When Understanding Changes the Questions         Something began to shift when I stopped asking only, “What's wrong with me?” and started asking, “Where did I learn this?”                I began connecting my adult patterns to the messages I had received as a child. I had been taught a distorted understanding of intimacy before I was old enough to question it, and I carried that understanding forward without recognizing its origins.         That realization didn't excuse my adult choices or erase the harm I caused. It gave me context. I could acknowledge my responsibility for how I treated others without taking responsibility for the abuse I experienced as a child. I could look at my younger self and recognize that she didn't possess the understanding I have today. ​         I could hold myself accountable without continuing to punish myself. Learning to Feel Without Losing Myself         I'm learning that reclaiming my power means looking beyond whether I'm free to make a choice and considering whether that choice honors my boundaries and values.         I can pause and notice what's happening within me without immediately turning a sensation into an action. I can allow a feeling to rise and settle while considering what I actually need. I can recognize a desire for connection or reassurance without automatically seeking validation from someone else.                  My body can experience sensation without every sensation becoming an instruction.                  I don't have to reject pleasure or shame myself for having desires. I can learn to experience them without making another person's attention the measure of my worth. I can acknowledge the experiences that shaped me without allowing them to dictate how I relate to my body today.         I can feel without performing. I can experience without abandoning myself. I can reclaim my body without making it a transaction.          Feel & Flow         Learning to relate to my body differently has meant making room for curiosity where shame once lived. I cannot change what happened to me as a child, but I can choose how I care for myself and how I respond to my experiences today.                If you'd like to explore your own relationship with sensation and embodiment, you can download my Break the Cycle & Reclaim Your Power practice as a companion to this article. It's there for you to explore at your own pace, in your own time.                  Your body belongs to you. You deserve to experience it with compassion, autonomy, and the freedom to choose.